Justice for Leather Goods

Kristen Peraset

The Writer’s Mind

Parody Assignment

Society for the Rights of Inanimate Furniture Objects:

The Fight for Liberty, Justice, and the Pursuit of Inanimate Happiness

            Since the conception of the “living capacity” or “living room” (as known by the bottom-feeders of the nation); man has saturated and permeated it with an abundance of interior designs to accommodate our physical beings.  These numerous appliances and adornments have been muted and unexpressive for decidedly too long.  Through the course of one nautical day, an ottoman from the southern coastal region of New Jersey envisioned a “better world” for other interior-furnishing varietals like himself.

“Ottoman,” as after extended home-furnishing nomenclature research, he concluded would be his proper title, was enervated; he was visibly debilitated after a year of the mentally inferior  homo sapien sapien constantly casting him and the other living capacity creatures aside.  Ottoman assured his overly cautious, circumspect comrades that it was favorable to attain autonomy of the household and apprehend the victimizers.  Ottoman perceived the subordinate members of the living commorancy to be the one’s to approach initially; he apperceived this “dad” figure to be the leader of the ill-treatment movement.  The over-taking of the dignitary would be the supreme gradation in the procuration of uninhibited latitude for inanimate furniture throughout southern New Jersey.

Ottoman, Rocking Chair, Big Chair, and Ugly Couch had been sat-on, eaten-on, and cerebrally abused and Ottoman made an attempt to speak to “Netsirk” regarding the mistreatment.  Netsirk, incipiently thrilled that the ottoman she endeared so much spoke, articulated a favorable position.  She commanded Ottoman to communicate his feelings to the older sibling, “Noj.”  Netsirk and Noj had intently listened to the Ottoman’s despairing narrations of having surpassingly much mass placed on him and being assaulted with voluminous carcinogenic chemical solvents.  Netsirk and Noj assured the interior furnishing friends that they would never again be dealt such extensive punishment.

Subsequently, the horrified, yet enlightened siblings telephoned the older sibling, Ralip.  Ralip had a tremendous ability to circumvent other’s limitations by talking circles around them.  Ralip suggested Ottoman and the interior design friends outline the framework for an alliance.  In larger numbers, they could enforce permutations of their living arrangements and receive the revisions that had appealed to them for so long.  Mostly, Ottoman wanted to implement a mass-allowance to be distributed onto his person.  Ottoman had come to embrace Noj, but Noj was far too behemothic to rest on the medial-ranging ottoman for dilatory allotments of time.  Noj, though distressed, did understand.  He agreed that ottomans were not meant to be utilized to occupy the entire physical being.  Ottomans were merely designed to accommodate one’s tarsal/metatarsal points.

Nearly an epoch came and went.  Finally, Ottoman and the others organized an outfit which would continue to demand adjustments in the treatment of living capacity furnishings.  With help from Ralip, they drafted the beginnings of the charter for SIFO—The Society for Inanimate Furniture Objects.  SIFO would be a haven for abused furnishings; a setting where one broken and beaten down rocking-chair could feel safe with his peers.  SIFO would ensure an eventual following.  They hoped it would gradually encompass all of New Jersey and other Mid-Atlantic states.  The following provisions were included:

  • No interior friend should receive severe, discourteous maltreatment or mishandlings.
  • The use of solvents shall be terminated.  The use of lanolin-derived products may be considered acceptable.
  • Some emollients of petrolatum origin are also exceptions.
  • Permitted mass-appropriateness shall be established early in the acquisition of new furnishing friends.

Ottoman enlisted neighboring interior design accomplices from the community to discuss their complaints with whoever inhabited their households.  Ottoman warned them of the dignitaries often referred to as “dad.”  The dads were guilty of the harshest brutalization.  They were the ones who usually accumulated the furnishings for the household, so they had a gross misinterpretation that the interior friends could be used at their own expense.  Netsirk and Noj had difficulty in convincing their commander that Ottoman, Rocking Chair, Ugly Chair and the others were deserving of fairer regimens of utilization.

Eventually, Ottoman was no longer the unfortunate receiver of vile chemicals intended to make him “glisten.”  And, he had ambitions that his cousins across the region were handed more desirable standards of existence.  Ottoman and his assistants now hold international SIFO conferences to create awareness in far away lands to prevent further abuse.  I would like to crown my tale of inanimate furniture object injustice with a quotation I believe interior design friends of all ages must heed:

“Old ottomans never die; they just fade away.” – Ottoman of Hopewell


A Brief Biography of Ottoman

            Ottoman maintains his residence in southern New Jersey; he finds it to be quaint and a lifestyle that makes him feel at home.  He has received accusations of attempting to construct a furniture dictatorship, but Ottoman suggests that he is merely being relentless in his struggle to achieve an equal partnership between Homo sapiens and the interior design friends.  Ottoman attended the Art Institute of Philadelphia where he joined forces with Kristopher Finklestein to develop a line of ergonomic ottomans designed to address the “cankle epidemic.”  He enjoys the Fox News Channel, bourbon, bass fishing, African big-game hunting, Bon Jovi, Scattergories, and HGTV.  Look for Ottoman’s latest furniture self-help book: Cornucopia of Myopic Perspectives: Why Most Humans are Innately Stupid.  Also available on shelves, is Ottoman’s politically motivated piece: Furniture for SUVs: The Fallacy of Global Warming.


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