Cars That Give You Hip Cramps

Kristen Peraset

Writing with Style

Prof. Peters

October 30, 2008

Formal Essay

Don’t Hate on My V8

I’m sick of environmentalists trying to get me to trade in my Cherokee for a Prius.  I can’t really see myself fleeing the scene of an armed robbery in a powder blue escape pod.  Nor do I see myself getting on 295 in a Smart Car without a death wish.  Well, maybe when they convert the shoulder to the new Smart Car Lane.  But, probably not.  I think people need be awakened to what Congress is trying to pull over our heads about gasoline and how our SUV’s are vehicles of Satan.


My boyfriend drives a Yaris and I get a hip cramp getting out of the thing.  Why is it that something better for the environment is always miniaturized?  It’s not a test-tube baby!  It’s a car.  Somewhere, there must be a written guideline mandating all things eco-friendly be uncomfortable.  I get annoyed with the overzealous soccer/hockey/ballet and baton moms too.  They ruin the reputations of those who opt to drive SUV’s.  But, in this case, blame the player not the game.  These women just can’t drive (parking is also an unattainable concept).  So, I’ve established that riding off into the sunset on a zero-polluting ergonomic scooter isn’t my thing.  Neither is facing constant crucifixion for not shaving off extra corn kernels at dinner to pour down my gas tank the next morning.  Ethanol is a conspiracy theory that has already proven itself to be a monumental waste of money for something that isn’t going to solve any energy crisis anytime soon.  Here, in the United States, we think of corn-derived ethanol, but in many tropical parts of the world, ethanol is produced from sugar cane crops.  Did you know that sugar cane harvesting is one of the most destructive forms of harvesting in the history of the agrarian society?  In order to harvest a single crop by hand, harvesters set the fields on fire (killing any living thing residing in that habitat).  Eliminating entire ecosystems to produce commodity crops like sugar cane and corn that can be devoted to ethanol production is widely accepted.   However, drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge or in the Gulf for American oil (which will lessen dependence on foreign fuel) to sustain our energy needs is seen as completely unethical by the same people.  Congress doesn’t care about you; they just don’t want an oil platform in their backyard.


There is currently no infrastructure in place for a majority of Americans to be riding around in hydrogen cars, either.  Even the Speaker of the House cannot wrap her head around that FACT that there must be a bridge to this proposed future of oil independence.  But, in the mean time while we’re all waiting on science, her hatred of gasoline is pricing people out of their eight cylinders.  Our government will likely collapse and the world will end before any oil runs out.


When the government starts asking us to drive Matchbox cars, I may denounce my citizenship.  In the mean time, stop trying to crush my dreams of owning a Dodge Mega Cab.  Oh, and it has a Hemi, people, which means it’ll waste more gas then you can imagine.  But, if I’m paying for it, you shouldn’t worry about it.  Here’s the other complaint I don’t get.  There are those oh so annoying folks who think everyone should take advantage of this mysteriously accessible mass transit throughout the country.  They’re perplexed as to why more people don’t ride the bus.  Yeah, right.  I don’t live in the city, but if I did, I’d avoid the crack-infested magic bus to Rowan anyway.  So, there you have it.  I have no other option when it comes to getting to school everyday—so I drive the old Jeep roughly sixty miles roundtrip everyday.  Yeah, blaming me for living out of reach of mass transportation is totally acceptable, Nancy Pelosi.  A volcanic eruption releases more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere than a lifetime of SUV’s ever will.  Acts of nature will affect the earth’s climate more than humans will ever be capable of.  Why do more citizens of this country not see something wrong with individuals from Manhattan, D.C., and worst of all San Francisco legislating irrationally for the rest of us?


What’s wrong with driving everywhere?  It’s American.  Cyclists tend to annoy me and I really don’t embrace the idea of turning the United States into PseudoFrance 3000.  Sometimes, I see a lone Smart Car on the open road and I wonder what it must be like to be the environmentally aware individual captaining that kidney bean on wheels.  I think for a second.  Then, I proceed to make fun of that individual.  A few minutes later, the individual tosses a Chesterfield out the window.  God, I love progressivism.


Didn’t people once flee the tyrannies of the world and seek the divine freedom on the United States where they could be free from persecution of all kinds?  Overregulation, everyday civil liberty infringement, and overall toxification of freedom used to be called the Soviet Union—now our Congress is implementing a similar regime.  It’s simple.  If Zeb in Big Sur wants to fly around on a giant kite, I could care less and I’m certainly not going to interrupt his preferred method of transportation.  But, if I, in New Jersey, want to drive for hours on end in an M1 Abrams, I damn well should be allowed to.


I remember seeing a segment on the news about the fuel potential of olive oil.  Seriously?  Extra virgin or light?  What’s next, adding some garlic and steamed asparagus?   


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